Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
