Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
