Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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