You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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