If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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