Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
