He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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