I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He? As in you personified your dick?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
