soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
