is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
