Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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