i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
