Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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