This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
