and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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