Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
