Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize