Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
