If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize