I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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