Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
