I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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