She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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