I will die if light touches me.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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