the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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