please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
