You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
