1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
