I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
