I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
