Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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