I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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