If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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