Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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