i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
