she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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