Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
