So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
