The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
