he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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