I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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