i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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