I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
