HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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