An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My bed smells like the plague
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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