Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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