I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
