Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
