Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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