we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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