I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize