I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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