Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Randomize
