My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize