woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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