Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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