Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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