Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
